Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
