My entire life is one complicated drinking game
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize