I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
