if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
