I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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