Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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