and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize