Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
