life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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