you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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