oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
