Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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