I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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