someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
