you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The Olympian is in my bed
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
