Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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