Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
