I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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