my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
