Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
