i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize