The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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