You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize