i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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