My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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