How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
