You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
