can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
