i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Randomize
