Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
