it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
