I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
