Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
