listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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