i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
