I puked a lego.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
