You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize