I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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