i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
