Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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