She is in my trunk
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
