you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
