I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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