Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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