I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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