i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
