Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hippo gnu deer
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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