I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
