our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
