i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
