His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
