my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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