Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
