there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
