You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
