Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize