her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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