arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There are leaves in my underwear?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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