apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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