why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
