I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
