I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
